Ann Devine, Ready for Her Close-Up by Colm O'Regan

Author:Colm O'Regan
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781473549845
Publisher: Transworld

23

MAD LADS ONLINE

‘LEAVE THEM BISCUITS ALONE, I’M WARNING YOU!’ I roar in at Denis from the kitchen after I hear the rustling.

‘I was only going to take the one.’

‘There’s only nine in it. One will be missed!’

‘NINE? That’s about a euro a biscuit, Ann. I hope this fancy man is worth it.’

It’s two weeks since the film meeting and we’re finally getting around to filling out the form for the Tidy Towns. Gordon arrives after eight. Denis is dispatched to the telly to watch his wildlife programme while we work at the table. I spread the biscuits out to make them look more. There are only seven. Denis looks guilty.

‘I’m sorry again to be interrupting you both,’ says Gordon when he arrives. ‘It’s just that Flora has her book club tonight and … well, it gets a bit raucous. Sally is there, Ann, so you should definitely come along next time. There’s going to be a lot of wine. I’d say I’ll have to go in the back door when I go home.’

Denis starts laughing from the couch. I don’t know what’s that funny about antelopes.

‘I still think we’re a bit early to be entering the Tidy Towns, Gordon.’

‘We have to enter the competition, Ann. It’s our whole raison d’être.’

‘My raison d’être is to stay out of trouble now, Gordon.’

‘People expect it, Ann. Drumfeakle are making a big push. Voice of the County did a roadcaster from there.’

‘I never really cared what they did in Drumfeakle before.’

‘That’s rivalry what you’re feeling now, Ann. It’s what keeps a community going.’

‘But the turn-out for the clean-ups is drying up.’

We had three people at the last one. I felt an eejit putting all the pickers back in the car.

‘They’ll get behind a competition. You saw what they were like at the table quiz.’

‘OK, look, it’s grand, we’ll fill out the form, but we should tell them it’s our first time and to go easy on us.’

‘That’s the spirit, Ann,’ says Gordon as I bring over the laptop.

Don’t let me down now, I say to the laptop in my mind.

Installing updates one of eighteen. One per cent complete, is how it replies to me. We sit looking at it.

‘Denis, were you messing with this?’ I know well he wasn’t, but I have to say something. ‘We’ll have to get a new one of these,’ I say as it goes up to fourteen per cent complete. ‘I’ll freshen up the tea.’

Eventually, this teenage computer of mine drags itself out of bed and says hello.

‘What’s it saying now? YOUR COMPUTER IS AT RISK. BUY NORTON ANTIVIRUS OR RISK LOSING EVERYTHING. I haven’t much to lose.’

I find the Tidy Towns form on the internet and we stare at it. I thought it would be along the lines of Here’s a picture of a flowerbed. Here’s rubbish we picked up. What do ye think? But it’s page after page of stuff you were supposed to have done that they’d be looking out for, like special areas of conservation,

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